Thursday, September 27, 2012

I'm a Doctor Not a Pool Man!

Me: I have the hiccups.
Husband: Ok, here. ::starts tickling me::
Me: ::laughing/hiccupping::
Husband: Boo!
Me: I'm not sure how tickling me is supposed to be helpful.
Husband: Oh wait, you're right. That doesn't do anything.

Spell That One For Me?

Me: Are you going to want chicken enchiladas if I make them?
Husband: Yeah... Does it end in "allottas"? I want some.
Me: No, it doesn't. "Allottas" isn't a word, but I get the point. Good to know, thanks.

This Post is Brought to Us by the Letter H

Husband: Ruby don't touch that. That is where we put the trash. If you're a hoarder, you put it on the floor.
Me: "Lessons For The Organized Baby." She's going to be confused when she finally learns about Oscar the Grouch now.
Husband: Haha hell yeah!

That's When the Whores Start Showing Up

Me: I don't know what to watch on Netflix right now
Husband: How about "Hoarders", you hoarder?
Me: :: thinking::
Husband: Just so you know, I said "hoarDER" before... not "whore".  That last 'der' didn't really come out loud enough I think.
Me: Surprisingly, I already knew what you said. I was trying to pick my words unlike you. I am organized and thrifty. You, on the other hand, are a hoarder as we've already established.
Husband: When did we establish that?
Me: Well, this morning we discussed what to do with you piles and piles of magazines. And when we were moving to Texas we found you held onto bank statements as far back as 2002. And we also found your logs from driving school!
Husband: I was... proud of my accomplishments!
Me: Driving safe and courteously is pride enough.
Husband: Shut up, Shoobs.

Alert the Fashion Police

Husband: I know how you like those cowboy types.
Me: What?
Husband: You like cowboy types.
Me: Why do you think that?
Husband: Because you're wearing a shirt that looks like a table cloth.
Me: No I'm not. It's a checked pattern but not a table cloth. Are you insinuating I'm big like table?
Husband: I didn't say I didn't like it. I just meant that it looks like a table cloth which makes me think of a picnic which makes me think of food. And I like food. And you too!
Me: See... That was your chance to say "no hon, you're not huge like a table. I'm just talking out of my ass."


Husband: Did you see the cake Crystal made?
Me: Yup!
Husband: It looks so good I want to eat it!
Me: Justin... you'd eat a cake that looked like a dirty homeless man's shoe.
Husband: Hahaha! That's probably true.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Love is Kind

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you too!
Me: Even though you're mildly retarded sometimes.
Husband: And even though you're a little bitchy.
Me: Touché.

I Can Wipe My Own Ass

Me: Hey, I just updated my status about the new blog post. Don't forget to share it with your friends.
Husband: Ok, what should I write?
Me: I already write the blog... why don't you handle writing your own status updates.

Like Husband, Like Dog

Husband: Hey, when we get new Texas license plates I'm going to get one that says "Not gay". Like "don't judge me based upon my dogs".

Close Only Counts In Horseshoes & Hand Grenades

:: while finishing a bottle of wine ::
Husband: Shoobs, getting drunk on wine makes you smart. It's a fact.
Me: That is NOT what you read in your magazine the other day.
Husband: Yes it was!
Me: No it was not.
Husband: What did I say then?
Me: Right then you said "getting drunk on wine makes you smart." But what you read the other day was that drinking 8oz of red wine every evening can be healthy for you.
Husband: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's the same thing. Right?

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

It's Legit, You're Dumb

Me: I have a legitimate irrational fear... Wait, that wording is wrong. I legitimately have an irrational fear that when its dark out and I have to let the dogs outside to pee that when I turn the light on there's going to be a homeless person sleeping on our porch furniture.
Husband: That's not irrational. I have a fear that...
Me: See, this is one of those times that I really hate you. Don't poke fun of me and what I just said.
Husband: I'm not making fun of you. You're just dumb.
Me: Thanks.

A Horse is a Horse

Husband: Roo is a horse's ass, but he means well.
Me: What, is that his new nickname?
Husband: Haha! Yeah! Hey horse's ass... get over here!

Hush, No Talkie

Me: You're not even listening to me... I might have to punch you in the mouth.
Husband: What?!? Don't kick me in balls!
Me: I didn't even say that! Geez you don't listen. I don't even know why I use my voice to speak.

You're a Saint, I Forgot

Husband: Do you want to play the trumpet?
Me: No I don't.
Husband: You don't want to play the trumpet?
Me: No.
Husband: ::starts squeezing my boob and making trumpet noises to the tune of 'when the saints go marching in'::
Me: Stop.
Husband: ::continues::
Me: Stop it.
Husband: ::continues while I try to push him away::
Me: Seriously... stop.
Husband: ::playing the high notes on the other boob while I struggle to get away::
Me: Ow! Seriously stop now. You just made me hit my lip.
Husband: You're fine. Did i really hurt you?
Me: Yes, my lip split from when Ruby head butt me and now you just hit it with you wrist.
Husband: When did she do that?
Me: Like 2 days ago. It doesn't matter, every time you play, I get hurt.
Husband: You never want to have fun.
Me: Yup you're right, I never want to have fun or do anything. Why are we even still together?
Husband: I didn't say that.
Me: Yes you did, you said "you never want to have fun".
Husband: Well I didn't mean "never ever". ::displays his hand to be reprimanded::
Me: No, go away.
Husband: Hit me, go ahead.
Me: I don't want to hit you.
Husband: Yes you do.
Me: No i don't. Just stop it. :: dog grumbles :: Both of us in unison: That's right Monkey.
Husband: Monkey knows when you're being unreasonable.
Me: Come back here.
Husband: Why?
Me: Well now I want to hit you.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Good Hair = Good Life

Me: Did you just tell the dog he looked like Alexander Hamilton?
Husband: Yes.
Me: Why?
Husband: Because of his stately hair cut.
Me: ::laughing::God, you're an idiot.
Husband: Don't listen to her Roo. And don't don't worry, hair like that can take you places.

Be Proud, You Bullied a Dog

Husband: Shoobs look at this! I fuckin' got him!
Me: Don't be so proud of yourself that you've managed to half-nelson the dog. A 14 lb dog.
Husband: ::laughs hysterically:: You said "half-nelson"!


::Watching the video of Feist on Sesame Street::
Husband: She called them "monsters". So stupid.
Me: They ARE monsters.
Husband: No they're not.
Me: Yes they are.
Husband: No they're not, they're Muppets!
Me: He's not called "Cookie Muppet" you a-hole.
Husband: ::laughs hysterically::

If You're Not First, You're Last

Doctor: Nope, not dilated yet
Me: I knew it. Week 38... and nothing. I just had a feeling.
Husband: I'm very disappointed in your vagina right now.
Me: Thanks. Doctor: Oh my gosh, get out of here.

Work Baby, Work

Me: where are my trivets? I always keep them here.
Husband: I don't know. The last time I saw them, they were on the stove.
Me: yes, but they're not there now. Maybe they fell behind the stove like my good oven mitt.
Husband: Oh yeah, I forgot about that oven mitt.
Me: yeah, probably because you don't cook.
Husband: I DO SO cook
Me: yeah, eggs for yourself in the morning
Husband: I asked you if you wanted some eggs.
Me: yeah, 40 minutes after you cooked your own.
Husband: Not uh, I asked you right after I cooked mine
Me: No you didn't. You were sitting right there on the couch.
Husband: Well, you were feeding the baby in the bedroom and I thought you might go back to sleep
Me: Not uh. Stop trying to convince yourself it happened in a different way.
Husband: So get your oven mitt.
Me: What? Are you telling me to get the oven mitt that YOU could have gotten any day since the day YOU dropped behind the oven?
Husband: ...yeah...
Me: Oh I forgot I have so much time during my day now that I have a newborn to go dragging the oven out.
Husband: Seriously, you're so lazy.

English as a First Language

Husband: Two things... its a verb.
Me: What is?
Husband: What I'm doing.
Me: What?
Husband: ::silent laughing::
Me: What's a verb?
Husband: An action, duh!
Me: See, his is why I talk to myself instead of you.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

First You Get The Jobs, Then You Get The Khakis, Then You Get The Chicks

:: flipping through channels ::
Husband: Uugggghhh
Me: We've never had that channel.
Husband: Well I thought maybe they'd give it to me today.
Me: Once I get a new job, we'll up the TV package.
Husband: Nope, once you get a new job, we're getting rid of the TV altogether.
Me: Why the heck would you do that? Why were you so pressed on getting a new giant TV?
Husband: Well, once we get the giant TV, we'll get a TV package.
Me: You have...
Husband: I've got it all figured out.
Me: No, you have the most insane, ass-backwards logic I've ever encountered

Siskel & Ebert, You're Not

Husband: What are you doing? Watching some gay movie?
Me: Yes, it's called The Life of Justin Tester
Husband: I hate you
Me: I know, it's mutual.

It's Science

Husband: Oh shit!
Me: What?
Husband: I just realized that I'm a genius!

Get It Gurl

Husband: Oh no I did-n't... turn on Haunted Honeymoon!

Kids Stuff

Me: This diaper bag is like Mary Poppins
Husband: Yup. Wait, what does that mean?
Me: ... ummm, like I keep pulling out a million things. It holds everything.
Husband: Oh, ok. Yeah, I've never seen it.
Me: Never saw what?
Husband: Mary Poppins.
Me: Seriously? How could you have never seen that movie?
Husband: I just haven't.
Me: But seriously, how is that possible.
Husband: I'm not a girl.
Me: That has nothing to do with it. I can't believe you've never seen that movie.
Husband: Believe it. I'm a man. I didn't watch stuff like that.
Me: Coming from the guy who belts out Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know".
Husband: Believe that!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

You're So Sensuous... Sen-su-ous Up

Husband: Can I have a beer shoobs?
Me: Why are you asking me?
Husband: Because I don't want to get up and get it.

My Mom Says I'm Funny

::supposed to be doing homework, but obviously on Facebook::
Husband: Who's this? Do I know Jenn Norman?
Me: No.
Husband: Well she liked my comment. At least she knows I'm funny.

Old Dog, No Tricks

Husband: Roo, Daddy needs a beer. Go!
::blank stare::
Me: Daddy must have forgotten what family he belongs in.
Husband: Yeah, a good for nothing dog family!

Watch Out For The Big Girl

Husband: Shoobs, I love you and you're pretty.
Me: Thanks, I love you too.
Husband: And you wear yoga pants... because you're lazy.
Me: No, I wear yoga pants because I'm fat.
Husband: No you're not. I wouldn't say that.
Me: Well, I'm "pregnant fat".
Husband: Yeah, you are that.
Me: You're retarded.

I'm Down, You're Down

Husband: Shoobs, Monkey is my ... my... O... B. Yeah, my OB, my Original Buddy. I'm down with OBB... Original Buddy Boy.

It's All Fun & Games

::while walking the dogs for the 2nd time in the day::
Husband: Oh my God, this morning Monkey peed on something and it splashed back and got all over himself.
Me: Did you clean him up with wipes when you got back home?
Husband: No.
Me: WTF? No wonder the dog stinks! I'm going to get home one day and you're gonna start to tell me about how the baby shit all over and when I ask if you cleaned it up you're probably going to tell me no.
Me: It's funny, but it won't be if it happens.

Monday, April 16, 2012

You Gotta Have Goals

Edited April 16, 2012 @ 10:23pm
Even better... this was the ad Google just placed on our blog. Thanks for being concerned, and humorous Google.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

So Much For That Idea

Well as you can see, that didn't work out as well as I had wanted. Geez, moving half way across the country 2 times in 6 months and having a baby is soooo time consuming! I'd like to say "just kidding", but then I'd be lying. Now that we have a baby, the Hubs is quite amusing. Not that he ever stopped, but I needed my own personal assistant to keep up with all that. Let's just state the obvious: no blogging means I didn't get that assistant. Don't get mad though. The Hubs didn't win the Mega Millions either, but I still kept him around. [insert obligatory blog smiley] So without further ado...

Trust Me, It's Not The Dogs

Husband: Hey when we get new Texas license plates I'm going to get one that says "not gay". Like, "don't judge me based upon my dogs please".

Name That Tune Or Die

Husband: Who sings this song? Quick! If you don't get this right, you might have to die today.
Me: Aerosmith.
Husband: That's right. Thank you for getting it right so that you didn't have to die today. I can't promise that you...
Me: Won't have to die tomorrow?
Husband: Exactly.
Me: Well that's then, and this is now. And no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
Husband: Exactly.
:: next song::
Husband: Quick shoobs, who sings this song. If you get this wrong, you might have to die like yesterday.
Me: Metallica.
Husband: That's my girl! Now you don't have to die yesterday.
:: next song ::
Husband: I love this song! Quick who sings it. If you get this right, it would be like extra credit. Like you could be on death row and this would be your get out of jail free card.
Me: I actually don't know who sings this.
Husband: That's too bad.
:: silence ::
Me: So... who is it?
Husband: Georgia Satellites.
Me: Oh ok.
Husband: Yeah, but you didn't get it right.
Me: So now you're going to kill me?
Husband: No, but next time... yeah.

Back To Normal

Husband: The pineapple went bad.
Me: Oh yeah?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Oh, my fault. I didn't cut it up right away because we still had that other fruit.
Husband: Yeah, I've been meaning to cut it up myself, but I haven't. I blame myself. I figure, I'll stop blaming you for things until after the baby is born. But then I'll go right back to blaming you for things.

Rock The Bump

Husband: I want to go to Sandals. That's it, I'm going to Sandals tomorrow.
Me: I'm not.
Husband: Why not?
Me: Because the next time I'm going to a Sandals resort I'll be drinking mimosas in the morning and margaritas all day. And wearing a bikini without showing off a baby tummy.
Husband: Well now you're just being selfish.

Glad to be back folks!