Wednesday, April 25, 2012

First You Get The Jobs, Then You Get The Khakis, Then You Get The Chicks

:: flipping through channels ::
Husband: Uugggghhh
Me: We've never had that channel.
Husband: Well I thought maybe they'd give it to me today.
Me: Once I get a new job, we'll up the TV package.
Husband: Nope, once you get a new job, we're getting rid of the TV altogether.
Me: Why the heck would you do that? Why were you so pressed on getting a new giant TV?
Husband: Well, once we get the giant TV, we'll get a TV package.
Me: You have...
Husband: I've got it all figured out.
Me: No, you have the most insane, ass-backwards logic I've ever encountered

Siskel & Ebert, You're Not

Husband: What are you doing? Watching some gay movie?
Me: Yes, it's called The Life of Justin Tester
Husband: I hate you
Me: I know, it's mutual.

It's Science

Husband: Oh shit!
Me: What?
Husband: I just realized that I'm a genius!

Get It Gurl

Husband: Oh no I did-n't... turn on Haunted Honeymoon!

Kids Stuff

Me: This diaper bag is like Mary Poppins
Husband: Yup. Wait, what does that mean?
Me: ... ummm, like I keep pulling out a million things. It holds everything.
Husband: Oh, ok. Yeah, I've never seen it.
Me: Never saw what?
Husband: Mary Poppins.
Me: Seriously? How could you have never seen that movie?
Husband: I just haven't.
Me: But seriously, how is that possible.
Husband: I'm not a girl.
Me: That has nothing to do with it. I can't believe you've never seen that movie.
Husband: Believe it. I'm a man. I didn't watch stuff like that.
Me: Coming from the guy who belts out Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know".
Husband: Believe that!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

You're So Sensuous... Sen-su-ous Up

Husband: Can I have a beer shoobs?
Me: Why are you asking me?
Husband: Because I don't want to get up and get it.

My Mom Says I'm Funny

::supposed to be doing homework, but obviously on Facebook::
Husband: Who's this? Do I know Jenn Norman?
Me: No.
Husband: Well she liked my comment. At least she knows I'm funny.

Old Dog, No Tricks

Husband: Roo, Daddy needs a beer. Go!
::blank stare::
Me: Daddy must have forgotten what family he belongs in.
Husband: Yeah, a good for nothing dog family!

Watch Out For The Big Girl

Husband: Shoobs, I love you and you're pretty.
Me: Thanks, I love you too.
Husband: And you wear yoga pants... because you're lazy.
Me: No, I wear yoga pants because I'm fat.
Husband: No you're not. I wouldn't say that.
Me: Well, I'm "pregnant fat".
Husband: Yeah, you are that.
Me: You're retarded.

I'm Down, You're Down

Husband: Shoobs, Monkey is my ... my... O... B. Yeah, my OB, my Original Buddy. I'm down with OBB... Original Buddy Boy.

It's All Fun & Games

::while walking the dogs for the 2nd time in the day::
Husband: Oh my God, this morning Monkey peed on something and it splashed back and got all over himself.
Me: Did you clean him up with wipes when you got back home?
Husband: No.
Me: WTF? No wonder the dog stinks! I'm going to get home one day and you're gonna start to tell me about how the baby shit all over and when I ask if you cleaned it up you're probably going to tell me no.
Me: It's funny, but it won't be if it happens.

Monday, April 16, 2012

You Gotta Have Goals

Edited April 16, 2012 @ 10:23pm
Even better... this was the ad Google just placed on our blog. Thanks for being concerned, and humorous Google.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

So Much For That Idea

Well as you can see, that didn't work out as well as I had wanted. Geez, moving half way across the country 2 times in 6 months and having a baby is soooo time consuming! I'd like to say "just kidding", but then I'd be lying. Now that we have a baby, the Hubs is quite amusing. Not that he ever stopped, but I needed my own personal assistant to keep up with all that. Let's just state the obvious: no blogging means I didn't get that assistant. Don't get mad though. The Hubs didn't win the Mega Millions either, but I still kept him around. [insert obligatory blog smiley] So without further ado...

Trust Me, It's Not The Dogs

Husband: Hey when we get new Texas license plates I'm going to get one that says "not gay". Like, "don't judge me based upon my dogs please".

Name That Tune Or Die

Husband: Who sings this song? Quick! If you don't get this right, you might have to die today.
Me: Aerosmith.
Husband: That's right. Thank you for getting it right so that you didn't have to die today. I can't promise that you...
Me: Won't have to die tomorrow?
Husband: Exactly.
Me: Well that's then, and this is now. And no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
Husband: Exactly.
:: next song::
Husband: Quick shoobs, who sings this song. If you get this wrong, you might have to die like yesterday.
Me: Metallica.
Husband: That's my girl! Now you don't have to die yesterday.
:: next song ::
Husband: I love this song! Quick who sings it. If you get this right, it would be like extra credit. Like you could be on death row and this would be your get out of jail free card.
Me: I actually don't know who sings this.
Husband: That's too bad.
:: silence ::
Me: So... who is it?
Husband: Georgia Satellites.
Me: Oh ok.
Husband: Yeah, but you didn't get it right.
Me: So now you're going to kill me?
Husband: No, but next time... yeah.

Back To Normal

Husband: The pineapple went bad.
Me: Oh yeah?
Husband: Yeah.
Me: Oh, my fault. I didn't cut it up right away because we still had that other fruit.
Husband: Yeah, I've been meaning to cut it up myself, but I haven't. I blame myself. I figure, I'll stop blaming you for things until after the baby is born. But then I'll go right back to blaming you for things.

Rock The Bump

Husband: I want to go to Sandals. That's it, I'm going to Sandals tomorrow.
Me: I'm not.
Husband: Why not?
Me: Because the next time I'm going to a Sandals resort I'll be drinking mimosas in the morning and margaritas all day. And wearing a bikini without showing off a baby tummy.
Husband: Well now you're just being selfish.

Glad to be back folks!