Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Reading Is For Nerds

Husband: Put that in the blog. You haven't updated the blog in forever!
Me: That is a bunch of bull! You obviously don't even read your own blog.
Husband: ::thinks about it and nods his head no::
Me: Nice... really supportive of you.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Ah, Blow It Out Your Old Wazoo

::Watching Ravens v Texans game::
Husband: Sounds like the fans have wazoos.
Me: ::contemplating what he meant:: What did you say?
Husband: It sounds like they have wazoos in the stands.
Me: ::Does he mean vuvuzela?:: What's a wazoo?
Husband: You don't know what the hell a wazoo is?
Me: No, I don't. What is a wazoo?
Husband: It's... wait...
Me: Bwahahaha!
Husband: A gazoo?
Me: Do you mean a kazoo?
Husband: Hahaha yeah, a kazoo! If you don't know what a kazoo is, you can get the hell out of here!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

You Can Get A Good Look At A T-Bone...

::At the vet with the dog because of a strange bump::
Husband: Could that be a hernia?
Doctor: I don’t think so, there’s too much muscle here. It would show up somewhere else more appropriate.
Husband: Right.
Me: ::blank stare::
Husband: What?
Me: ::blank stare::
Husband: What? C’mon I’ve asked waaaaay stupider questions than that before.
Me: Today, even.
Husband: I’m not a vet, but I know a horse’s ass when I see one.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Wake Me Up When Movember Ends

::unintelligible growly noise::
Me: What?
Husband: It came out of nowhere. This mustache emits pheromones.
Me: ::blank stare::
Husband: I meant... testosterone... shut up!

Twit Twat Tweet

::While watching Sunday Night Football::
Me: Yeah like that's ever going to happen.
Husband: What's that?
Me: That commercial said to get up-to-the-minute information from the sidelines follow Andrea Kramer on Twitter.
Husband: Yeah, who wants to follow that twat's tweets?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Agree To Disagree

::During a phone call::
Husband: Well I just wanted to call and say "hi" and "wow... you... are... amazing".
Me: Haha Thank you.
Husband: OK, I'll talk to you later.
Me: OK, bye.
Husband: Hey! If you need anything you know how to get ahold of me. My number is now and will probably always be... 9-1-1
Me: ... thanks... I'll keep that in mind.
Husband: Good. You should put that in the blog.
Me: Stop trying to dictate what goes in the blog.
Husband: Well you told me to try and help you remember things that should go in the blog because you can't always jot them down for later.
Me: Yes, things we agree on.
Husband: Well, we just agreed that would go in.
Me: No we didn't.
Husband: Yes we did. You may not remember. Now go put that in.

Be The Best You You Can Be

Husband: Put up the Al and Peggy Bundy pictures from Halloween.
Me: ::ignoring him::
Husband: Put the Bundy pictures on Facebook.
Me: ::ignoring him::
Husband: Now, please!
Me: ::huff:: Fine!
Husband: I like you. Not that attitude, but you. I also like your face.
Me: Do you like the face I'm making right now?
Husband: No, not really. Why are you making that face?
Me: Because I was busy doing something.
Husband: I'm doing something.
Me: Yes... annoying me.
Husband: Well you always say to be the best at what I do.

Ten Years Ago I Used to Listen To Rappers Flow

Husband: I also got a new beer Key had in the store. I hope its good.
Me: What kind is it?
Husband: It's called Original Pumpkin Ale. But who knows if that's even true. Maybe its the real first one made, maybe not. I mean, I'm a real OG too, but...
Me: Ok, Ice-T. You can stop now.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

If You Don't Like This Blog...

::iTunes playing Redneck Yacht Club::
Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.
::iTunes playing Callin' Baton Rouge::
Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.
::iTunes playing I Got My Mind Set On You::
Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.
Me: Are you going to do this for every song in the library?
Husband: Maybe.
Me: Seriously?
Husband: Well its going to be definitely if you ask me like that again.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

::While he's flipping through tv channels, in his most sarcastic voice possible::
Husband: Oh no, don't make me watch Jaws!
Me: Why?
Husband: Because I hate that movie.
Me: No you don't. You make me watch it all the time. Why are you such a liar today?
Husband: What else did I lie about today?
Me: I don't know.
Husband: Exactly! I only lie once a day.
Me: Seriously? Once day?
Husband: Ok, well, I guess that's a lie... so twice a day.

The Same, But Different

Husband: Shoobs you should read more.
Me: Huh? Read more? I'm reading right now. Well I was before you interrupted me.
Husband: Oh, I mean paint more.
Me: Did you really get reading and painting confused?
Husband: Only for a minute.

I'm Tellin' Y'All It's Sabotage

Husband: Well if I didn't look like my father before... I certainly do now with just this mustache.
Me: Oh my goodness. Wow. That is going to take some getting used to.
Husband: I'm probably only going to keep it for the next 3 days or so.
Me: Ok ::laughing to myself::
Husband: What?
Me: I woke up with a police officer today and now I have to go to bed with the Sabotage video.
Husband: Shut up.

It's Facial Hair, Not A Friend

Husband: Goodnight.
Me: Goodnight ::kiss:: I love you.
Husband: I love you.
Husband: ::in a high pitched voice:: "I love you too." That was my mustache.
Me: Please don't ever let your mustache speak to me again, ok?

Love And Marriage

::After taking a survey for a research institute about being married::
Husband: Did you write anything in that last box about additional comments you wanted them to know about our marriage?
Me: No. Did you?
Husband: Yeah, I said that I wanted them to know had to take time out of my doing everything around here to take that survey since you never do anything.
Me: ...Thanks...

Sunday, October 24, 2010

At A Wedding And Love Is In The Air

::During the wedding toast::
Husband: And they forgot that we toast God
Me: ::not sure where this is about to go::
Husband: This is the blood of Christ... and it IS delicious!
Mike: That guy must have been drunk like 24/7!

Dress To Impress

Husband: I wasn't going to say anything because you're the mother of the bride, but you're boobs look great in that dress.

There's A Time & Place

Husband: Why is Crystal touching her boobs?
Me: She has to pump milk for the baby and so she's at capacity and she's sore.
Husband: Seriously?
Crystal: Yeah, they're like rocks right now.
Husband: Can I feel?
Everyone: NO!

Judge By The Company You Keep

Husband: We're at the best table.
Me: I'd say so.
Husband: No one at this table is a loser and we're the closest table to the bar!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Let Me Tell You About You

Me: I don't want to go to work today.
Husband: You never want to go to work because you're lazy.
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Did you just call me lazy?
Husband: What?
Me: Wow, you're not even looking for a way to dig out of that one.
Husband: You're not lazy.
Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks, jerk.

You're Allowed To Buy Me Things

Husband: If you're shopping online today, could you get this bike for me?
Me: IF I'm shopping online today?
Husband: It's only $509
Me: Only? Nice.
Husband: Well I could have asked you to buy the one that's over $1000.
Me: How considerate of you, dear.

Cheeseburger And French Cries, Please

Husband: So I wanted a sandwich from Wawa, but it was closed. All I wanted was a Wawa sub and I couldn't get one. Come home and make me a sandwich.
Me: I'm a work. I can't just come home to make you some food. You're a grown man...
Husband: There's a box in the door. Did you order anything?
Me: I don't think so.
Husband: I'm gonna open it.
Me: Not unless I'm sleep ordering stuff, if I did. Don't go opening it in case I did order something good or its for you.
Husband: I don't get to do anything I want!
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: I couldn't get a sub and now I can't open this box either. I'm gonna open it.
Me: That's a federal crime, Mr. Officer. Maybe your background investigator would like to hear about that.
Husband: You hate me.
Me: I might... if you open that package.
Husband: HA! It's for me anyway. Yeah, its my package!
Me: What is it?
Husband: ... a box...
Me: Yes, what's in the box?
Husband: Another... box.
Me: Huh?
Husband: Oh, its to send back that Verizon box. Damn! I don't want to do that either!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Row Row Row Your Boat

Husband: Hey did you check that lottery ticket I bought on Thursday?
Me: Nope.
Husband: Well how are we going to know if we won?
Me: Chances are good that we didn't.
Husband: If we DID win the lottery, I'm going on a cruise with you... and... T Pain.
Me: Cool.

There Are Thirsty Kids In India

Husband: You better finish your beer. Testers are winners and we finish our beers.
Me: You should go and shut up.
Husband: I'm gonna put this pillow case over your head and strangle you.
Me: Well, if you did that I wouldn't be able to finish this beer any faster, now would I?
Husband: I guess you're right.

Naked Time!

::While watching Nickelback This Afternoon video::
Husband: You know, I've thought of a lot of things I'd like to do naked, but riding a bike is NOT one of them.

C'mon Rude Boy

Husband: I just said ::input Facebook response here:: to her.
Me: She'll think you were being funny, but you're really saying that you don't care. That was rude, don't be a dick.
Husband: I'm not being a dick, I'm being facetious. If I was being a dick I'd say "hey shut your stupid pie hole."

A Festival of Nuts

Husband: Oooohhh I want candied almonds!
Me: Me too! The girl selling them looks like Amber.
Husband: Oh yeah? I wasn't looking at her face. I was looking at her, uhhh, nuts

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Your Mom Goes To College

Husband: Ooops... ooops... ooops... ooops...
Me: There's an awful lot of "ooops" I'm hearing from over there.
Husband: Ooops, yup.
Me: Is it because you're rushing through your quiz too quickly?
Husband: No, its because I don't know the answers to the quiz.
Me: Well don't you think you should take a moment to actually read the question and then try to answer them?
Husband: No. It takes your highest grade so I just go with trial and error till I get them all right.
Me: ::blank stare:: That seems like it would take longer.
Husband: Sometimes.

Tale of a Tail

::While discussing his most recent paper for school::
Me: Even though you said it was half-assed, it was actually a well written paper. Good job.
Husband: ::spins around:: Hey, how's my hairline in the back?
Me: Random, like our conversation.
Husband: Yeah, I trimmed up the back by myself this morning.
Me: I can tell.
Husband: Yeah?
Me: Yeah, the back comes to a point like the beginnings of a glorious new trashy rat tail.
Husband: Yeah... I should grow one. Awesome.

It's a sign

Husband: I just think its funny how no matter what computer program you're in, it tells you that "Dundalk" is spelled wrong.
Me: Because "Dundalk isn't in a Dicionary on the system, probably.
Husband: But "Towson" is?
Me: I don't know why Towson shows as correct.
Husband: I do. Even computers don't like Dundalk."

Tuesday Boozeday

Mike: How did you finish that beer so fast?
Husband: I'm a professional. What can I say?
Me: The layman's term would be "alcoholic".
Husband: "Pro"... "Alcoholic"... whatever.


Husband: You know, I haven't even been on our blog site yet?
Me: Really?
Husband: I don't need to... I lived it.
Me: Hahaha "I'm a rebel Dottie"
Husband: I MAKE THIS BLOG! You know, without really doing... anything, I guess.

Whistle While You Work

::Phone rings::
Me: This is Aubrey.
Husband: ::singing:: This is the MOST wonderful GUYYYYYYY in the WORLD!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Beauty And The Beast

Me: Try this shirt on.
Husband: I don't like it.
Me: You didn't even look at it. I like it.
::Puts it on and looks in mirror::
Husband: Yeah this shirt does look pretty good on me. I mean, it helps when you're an effing beast!

We Go Together

::While shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond::
Husband: You're not buying anything else.
Me: I might be.
Husband: You already got her something. You must like her.
Me: Yes, she's a good friend of mine and a knife set and cutting board go together. I just can't find the one on her list.
Husband: You know what else goes together? Peanut butter and jelly... like on a sandwich.
Me: I'm not giving her a PB&J sandwich as a wedding gift. And how do they go together?
Husband: She's going to need something to cut with these knives, duh.

Job Application

Husband: You know, if I get this job, not only is this guy getting a new, capable park ranger, but he's also getting A COMICAL GENIUS!

Ayo Technology

Me: I really hate the registry system here.
Husband: Why? What's wrong with her registry?
Me: Nothing's wrong with her registry. It something about Bed, Bath & Beyond. We had the problem with ours and Amy's wedding. It shows you how many of an item they want and then how many have been purchased already. I purchased something for a shower gift and then it never showed as being purchased when we bought the wedding gift next.
Husband: Yeah, what a piece of crap. There's no updation.
Me: "Updation" isn't a word.
Me: You know that, right?
Husband: Yes it is. I mean, it is now that I made it up.

You're Asking Me About the Weather?

Me: Hey, what was the weather like outside today?
Husband: Its really nice. I'm wearing shorts.
Me: Is it "nice" for you or for me? Because you know our interpretation of "nice" isn't always the same.
Husband: So what you're saying is... I know what nice is and you have no idea what you're talking about?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Special Edition

Husband: I didn't look up at the sky last night when we got home. So didn't see that there were no stars out. If I had, I would have known that the weather might not have been ideal and I would have put the top back on my jeep. I woke up this morning and thought the rain sound was from our sound machine... but it wasn't. It was real rain.
Me: Oh no, not again.
Husband: Yup. The whole top was off and it had really poured down. I was out there struggling to get the top on again.
Me: Oh man, I'm so sorry that happened again.
Husband: Yeah, well I decided to put the dehumidifier in the jeep to try and speed up the process.
Me: You what?
Husband: I put the dehumidifier in the jeep. But the extension cord didn't reach it... so I had to park the jeep on the front lawn.
Me: ::blank stare:: Seriously?
Husband: Yeah...

You Rock. I Rock.

Husband: I wanna rock right now!
Me: Well, you can.
Husband: ::shakes his head in agreement & turns up the radio volume::
Radio: "I'm walking on sunshine, ye-ah!
Husband: I'm walking on sunshine... bit-ches!

Save A Horse

Husband: It would be so awesome if we moved to Texas! I'd finally be doing what I want.
Me: You're just excited that it will be more socially acceptable for you to wear a cowboy hat in public.
Husband: YES! You know I've always wanted to own a cowboy hat!

I Can Haz Nuggetz?

Husband: Babe, I'm sooo hungry. ::Pouts::
Me: What do you want?
Husband: Chicken nuggets.
Me: Do we even have chicken nuggets?
Husband: ::shrugs:: You didn't ask what we had. You asked what I wanted.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

By Popular Demand...

You asked for it.  Now here it is. By popular demand, I'm very proud to introduce you to the Conversations With My Husband blog!

The idea for this blog came as a natural progression from having these silly, honest, mind-boggling and funny conversations with my husband.  I started posting some of them as status updates on Facebook.  They became quite a success among you, our friends.  The status comments came in quickly and ignited mini conversations between our friends and family, who are also very funny.  But the requests to turn them into a blog really surprised me.

So here we go.  I hope to update this as regularly as Justin comes up with this stuff.  And I hope not to disappoint our audience. (Boy do I hope he stays funny)

Please know that this blog is just meant to be funny.  If you know us, you'll probably find it pretty humorous.  If you don't, then some things may be considered offensive to you. For that, I apologize, but I ask only that you choose not to follow us and keep your hate off the comments.  They will be deleted and you will be ignored.

And just because you've all been so eager to get this blog off the ground, I'm going to start off with some from last night's $1 beers.  Hope you enjoy.

To Blog or Not To Blog

Me: "So I started our blog today.  Its started, but not published yet."
Husband: "Awesome! You should put the old stuff from Facebook on there."
Me: "Yeah, I was thinking about saving the old ones for the slow times when you're not so funny."
Husband: "Girrrrrl, what are you talking about?  60% of the time... I'm funny ALL the time."

Can I Get A Mixer For That?

Husband: "Have you ever had that liquor that looks like a person?"
Me: ::blank stare::
Husband: "You know, its Italian... tastes like hazelnut."
Me: "Frangelica?"
Husband: "Yeah!"
Me: ::staring at the bottle::
Husband: "It looks like Aunt Jemima syrup.  Yes, it does!"

Gifts From God?

Me: "Where did you get another beer from?"
Husband: "The sky."
Me: "You didn't get a beer from the sky. Who gave it to you?"
Husband: "Evan."
Me: "And who asked for the beer?"
Husband: "Ummm..."
Me: "Your mouth?"
Husband: "Nooo---ooo"
Me: "Your voice?"
Husband: "Nooo---ooo"
Me: "Who then?"
Husband: "My evil twin."
Me: "Well I wanted to leave and now you have a full beer. That's not fair."
Husband: "Well I want you to give me a kiss."
Me: "Because you're awful?"
Husband: "Awfully great! Yeah!"

Stink Bugs Fly?

Me: "Ugggh, there's a stink bug in the office.  Its on the ceiling."
Husband: "That's not a stink bug."
Me: "Yes it is, its shaped like a shield. Stink bugs are usually shaped like that."
Husband: "Stink bugs don't fly."
Me: "Yes they do!"
Husband: "Since when do stink bugs fly?"
Me: "Since EVOLUTION."
Husband: "Well, I want gills, but you don't see me..."
:: 10 minutes later::
Husband: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Looking for the stink bug, I just tried to kill it."
Husband: "Well, I'm sure it will come crawling back soon."
Me: "You're not helping the situation, thanks."
Husband: "Well I don't see him."
Me: "You have to help me!  I don't want it crawling back soon- with a vengeance!"
Husband: "I can't find it."
Me: "Yes, that would be correct.  If you don't get out of your seat or actually DO ANYTHING... you won't find it."
Husband: "That's my point...  blog THAT!"