Sunday, October 24, 2010

At A Wedding And Love Is In The Air

::During the wedding toast::
Husband: And they forgot that we toast God
Me: ::not sure where this is about to go::
Husband: This is the blood of Christ... and it IS delicious!
Mike: That guy must have been drunk like 24/7!

Dress To Impress

Husband: I wasn't going to say anything because you're the mother of the bride, but you're boobs look great in that dress.

There's A Time & Place

Husband: Why is Crystal touching her boobs?
Me: She has to pump milk for the baby and so she's at capacity and she's sore.
Husband: Seriously?
Crystal: Yeah, they're like rocks right now.
Husband: Can I feel?
Everyone: NO!

Judge By The Company You Keep

Husband: We're at the best table.
Me: I'd say so.
Husband: No one at this table is a loser and we're the closest table to the bar!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Let Me Tell You About You

Me: I don't want to go to work today.
Husband: You never want to go to work because you're lazy.
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Did you just call me lazy?
Husband: What?
Me: Wow, you're not even looking for a way to dig out of that one.
Husband: You're not lazy.
Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks, jerk.

You're Allowed To Buy Me Things

Husband: If you're shopping online today, could you get this bike for me?
Me: IF I'm shopping online today?
Husband: It's only $509
Me: Only? Nice.
Husband: Well I could have asked you to buy the one that's over $1000.
Me: How considerate of you, dear.

Cheeseburger And French Cries, Please

Husband: So I wanted a sandwich from Wawa, but it was closed. All I wanted was a Wawa sub and I couldn't get one. Come home and make me a sandwich.
Me: I'm a work. I can't just come home to make you some food. You're a grown man...
Husband: There's a box in the door. Did you order anything?
Me: I don't think so.
Husband: I'm gonna open it.
Me: Not unless I'm sleep ordering stuff, if I did. Don't go opening it in case I did order something good or its for you.
Husband: I don't get to do anything I want!
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: I couldn't get a sub and now I can't open this box either. I'm gonna open it.
Me: That's a federal crime, Mr. Officer. Maybe your background investigator would like to hear about that.
Husband: You hate me.
Me: I might... if you open that package.
Husband: HA! It's for me anyway. Yeah, its my package!
Me: What is it?
Husband: ... a box...
Me: Yes, what's in the box?
Husband: Another... box.
Me: Huh?
Husband: Oh, its to send back that Verizon box. Damn! I don't want to do that either!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Row Row Row Your Boat

Husband: Hey did you check that lottery ticket I bought on Thursday?
Me: Nope.
Husband: Well how are we going to know if we won?
Me: Chances are good that we didn't.
Husband: If we DID win the lottery, I'm going on a cruise with you... and... T Pain.
Me: Cool.

There Are Thirsty Kids In India

Husband: You better finish your beer. Testers are winners and we finish our beers.
Me: You should go and shut up.
Husband: I'm gonna put this pillow case over your head and strangle you.
Me: Well, if you did that I wouldn't be able to finish this beer any faster, now would I?
Husband: I guess you're right.

Naked Time!

::While watching Nickelback This Afternoon video::
Husband: You know, I've thought of a lot of things I'd like to do naked, but riding a bike is NOT one of them.

C'mon Rude Boy

Husband: I just said ::input Facebook response here:: to her.
Me: She'll think you were being funny, but you're really saying that you don't care. That was rude, don't be a dick.
Husband: I'm not being a dick, I'm being facetious. If I was being a dick I'd say "hey shut your stupid pie hole."

A Festival of Nuts

Husband: Oooohhh I want candied almonds!
Me: Me too! The girl selling them looks like Amber.
Husband: Oh yeah? I wasn't looking at her face. I was looking at her, uhhh, nuts