Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Let Me Tell You About You

Me: I don't want to go to work today.
Husband: You never want to go to work because you're lazy.
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Did you just call me lazy?
Husband: What?
Me: Wow, you're not even looking for a way to dig out of that one.
Husband: You're not lazy.
Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks, jerk.

You're Allowed To Buy Me Things

Husband: If you're shopping online today, could you get this bike for me?
Me: IF I'm shopping online today?
Husband: It's only $509
Me: Only? Nice.
Husband: Well I could have asked you to buy the one that's over $1000.
Me: How considerate of you, dear.

Cheeseburger And French Cries, Please

Husband: So I wanted a sandwich from Wawa, but it was closed. All I wanted was a Wawa sub and I couldn't get one. Come home and make me a sandwich.
Me: I'm a work. I can't just come home to make you some food. You're a grown man...
Husband: There's a box in the door. Did you order anything?
Me: I don't think so.
Husband: I'm gonna open it.
Me: Not unless I'm sleep ordering stuff, if I did. Don't go opening it in case I did order something good or its for you.
Husband: I don't get to do anything I want!
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: I couldn't get a sub and now I can't open this box either. I'm gonna open it.
Me: That's a federal crime, Mr. Officer. Maybe your background investigator would like to hear about that.
Husband: You hate me.
Me: I might... if you open that package.
Husband: HA! It's for me anyway. Yeah, its my package!
Me: What is it?
Husband: ... a box...
Me: Yes, what's in the box?
Husband: Another... box.
Me: Huh?
Husband: Oh, its to send back that Verizon box. Damn! I don't want to do that either!


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