Let Me Tell You About You

Me: I don't want to go to work today.

Husband: You never want to go to work because you're lazy.

Me: Excuse me?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Did you just call me lazy?

Husband: What?

Me: Wow, you're not even looking for a way to dig out of that one.

Husband: You're not lazy.

Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks, jerk.

You're Allowed To Buy Me Things

Husband: If you're shopping online today, could you get this bike for me?

Me: IF I'm shopping online today?

Husband: It's only $509

Me: Only? Nice.

Husband: Well I could have asked you to buy the one that's over $1000.

Me: How considerate of you, dear.

Cheeseburger And French Cries, Please

Husband: So I wanted a sandwich from Wawa, but it was closed. All I wanted was a Wawa sub and I couldn't get one. Come home and make me a sandwich.

Me: I'm a work. I can't just come home to make you some food. You're a grown man...

Husband: There's a box in the door. Did you order anything?

Me: I don't think so.

Husband: I'm gonna open it.

Me: Not unless I'm sleep ordering stuff, if I did. Don't go opening it in case I did order something good or its for you.

Husband: I don't get to do anything I want!

Me: Excuse me?

Husband: I couldn't get a sub and now I can't open this box either. I'm gonna open it.

Me: That's a federal crime, Mr. Officer. Maybe your background investigator would like to hear about that.

Husband: You hate me.

Me: I might... if you open that package.

Husband: HA! It's for me anyway. Yeah, its my package!

Me: What is it?

Husband: ... a box...

Me: Yes, what's in the box?

Husband: Another... box.

Me: Huh?

Husband: Oh, its to send back that Verizon box. Damn! I don't want to do that either!