You're So Sensuous... Sen-su-ous Up

Husband: Can I have a beer shoobs?

Me: Why are you asking me?

Husband: Because I don't want to get up and get it.

My Mom Says I'm Funny

::supposed to be doing homework, but obviously on Facebook::

Husband: Who's this? Do I know Jenn Norman?

Me: No.

Husband: Well she liked my comment. At least she knows I'm funny.

Old Dog, No Tricks

Husband: Roo, Daddy needs a beer. Go!

::blank stare::
Me: Daddy must have forgotten what family he belongs in.

Husband: Yeah, a good for nothing dog family!

Watch Out For The Big Girl

Husband: Shoobs, I love you and you're pretty.

Me: Thanks, I love you too.

Husband: And you wear yoga pants... because you're lazy.

Me: No, I wear yoga pants because I'm fat.

Husband: No you're not. I wouldn't say that.

Me: Well, I'm "pregnant fat".

Husband: Yeah, you are that.

::silance::
Me: You're retarded.

I'm Down, You're Down

Husband: Shoobs, Monkey is my ... my... O... B. Yeah, my OB, my Original Buddy. I'm down with OBB... Original Buddy Boy.

It's All Fun & Games

::while walking the dogs for the 2nd time in the day::

Husband: Oh my God, this morning Monkey peed on something and it splashed back and got all over himself.

Me: Did you clean him up with wipes when you got back home?

Husband: No.

Me: WTF? No wonder the dog stinks! I'm going to get home one day and you're gonna start to tell me about how the baby shit all over and when I ask if you cleaned it up you're probably going to tell me no.

Husband: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: It's funny, but it won't be if it happens.

You Gotta Have Goals

Edited April 16, 2012 @ 10:23pm
Even better... this was the ad Google just placed on our blog. Thanks for being concerned, and humorous Google.

So Much For That Idea

Well as you can see, that didn't work out as well as I had wanted. Geez, moving half way across the country 2 times in 6 months and having a baby is soooo time consuming! I'd like to say "just kidding", but then I'd be lying. Now that we have a baby, the Hubs is quite amusing. Not that he ever stopped, but I needed my own personal assistant to keep up with all that. Let's just state the obvious: no blogging means I didn't get that assistant. Don't get mad though. The Hubs didn't win the Mega Millions either, but I still kept him around. [insert obligatory blog smiley] So without further ado...

Trust Me, It's Not The Dogs

Husband: Hey when we get new Texas license plates I'm going to get one that says "not gay". Like, "don't judge me based upon my dogs please".

Name That Tune Or Die

Husband: Who sings this song? Quick! If you don't get this right, you might have to die today.

Me: Aerosmith.

Husband: That's right. Thank you for getting it right so that you didn't have to die today. I can't promise that you...

Me: Won't have to die tomorrow?

Husband: Exactly.

Me: Well that's then, and this is now. And no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Husband: Exactly.

:: next song::

Husband: Quick shoobs, who sings this song. If you get this wrong, you might have to die like yesterday.

Me: Metallica.

Husband: That's my girl! Now you don't have to die yesterday.

:: next song ::

Husband: I love this song! Quick who sings it. If you get this right, it would be like extra credit. Like you could be on death row and this would be your get out of jail free card.

Me: I actually don't know who sings this.

Husband: That's too bad.

:: silence ::
Me: So... who is it?

Husband: Georgia Satellites.

Me: Oh ok.

Husband: Yeah, but you didn't get it right.

Me: So now you're going to kill me?

Husband: No, but next time... yeah.

Back To Normal

Husband: The pineapple went bad.

Me: Oh yeah?

Husband: Yeah.

Me: Oh, my fault. I didn't cut it up right away because we still had that other fruit.

Husband: Yeah, I've been meaning to cut it up myself, but I haven't. I blame myself. I figure, I'll stop blaming you for things until after the baby is born. But then I'll go right back to blaming you for things.

Rock The Bump

Husband: I want to go to Sandals. That's it, I'm going to Sandals tomorrow.

Me: I'm not.

Husband: Why not?

Me: Because the next time I'm going to a Sandals resort I'll be drinking mimosas in the morning and margaritas all day. And wearing a bikini without showing off a baby tummy.

Husband: Well now you're just being selfish.

Glad to be back folks!

Big News Because I'm Kind of a Big Deal

Hey there loyal followers! The hubs and I would like to apologize for being silent the past few weeks. We've got some big announcements to make. Yes, he's been training in Georgia and good news is he's almost done! But he won't be coming home, he'll be heading to West Virginia for a few more weeks. The distance wasn't what made the blog quiet though. We are also expecting a baby! Crazy, right? Let's hope Child Services doesn't read this blog out of context. Husband was very funny while away at training, but I was super sick and tired and spent my days and nights sleeping or being ill instead of writing down the stupid/funny things he said. But most of my sick and tired days are behind me and I have the energy to think he's funny again. So here we go!

"Hungover" Means I Was Drunk Yesterday

Me: Have you been at Palm Coast Coffee all day?

Husband: NoooOOOOoooOOOooo...

Me: No? Really?

Husband: Well, we didn't know that they close at 6pm on Sundays.

Me: Oh ok.

Husband: So now we're here at Blue Water and it's not busy. It's never busy. But we keep telling them that they would get more business if they'd just fire all these waiters with bad hair and hire some hot girls with short shorts and play some better music. Their music sucks. It sucks! Sucks!

Me: I know. You've told me that same story many times.

Husband: I have?

Me: Yes, you have. But it's ok. Can you do me a big favor?

Husband: Of course.

Me: Can you please promise me that you'll eat a large meal before you have anything else to drink?

Husband: Why?

Me: Because you're drunk.

Husband: I'm not drunk Shoobs.

Me: You get a particular enthusiastic-ness in your voice when you drink.

Husband: Not uh!

Me: Yes you do, it's ok. I don't care that you're drunk, I just want you to eat something before you get more drunk.

Husband: Ok, well I'll call you back when I'm not drunk.

Me: See? I told you you were drunk! Hahaha!

Husband: Wait that's not what I meant. I mean, I said that because you said I was drunk.

Me: Yeah, ok.

It's Not The Worst

Me: Blue Bunny makes Red Velvet ice cream now.

Husband: No they don't.

Me: Yes they do, I just saw a commercial.

Husband: That's like the coolest thing I've ever heard! I mean, besides other cool things I've heard before. But I guess it's still really cool.

Me: So... you are or are not excited about this?

Did You Hear That?

Me: Eeew, you tooted! It stinks now.

Husband: What? Really? No I didn't!

Me: Ummm, yes you did.

Husband: Yeah, you're right. I did.

Me: I know you did. I just said that. I'm standing 3 feet from you, I can smell you.

Husband: Oh.

:: moments later ::

Husband: Haha, did you like how I asked if I really did that? That was funny.

If It Weren't For Those Meddling Kids!

Phone ringing::
Me: This is Aubrey...

Husband: :: in the tune of the Scooby Doo theme song :: Shooby Dooby Doos, where are you? You've got a lot of work to do now!

Me: Hahaha. I do have a lot of work to do since I'm at work.

Husband: Did you like that song?

Me: Yes, that was a good one.

Husband: Yeah, I just thought of it when you answered

Me: It's definitely much better than most of the other songs you make up.

Husband: ... hey...

"No One Wants To Hire A Dummy"

Husband: Do you really have to go to work tomorrow?

Me: Yeah

Husband: Why

Me: Because I have to do work

Husband: Only dorks have to work.

Me: Thanks

Husband: I used to be a dork, once.

Misheard Lyrics Or Probably Drunk?

Husband: ::singing:: If you like pita coladas...

Me: What?

Husband: Shut up Shoobs.

You're A Dog Not A Doctor

Husband: ::yelling back at the dog who just barked at him:: I'm not sick Roo, I'm drunk!

So Long And Farewell, A*Holes

Husband: ::reading back his Facebook status update:: "I want to thank all my BCoPD buddies for coming out and supporting my upcoming adventure tonight. It meant more than you can imagine. I will miss you all more than you know. I am appreciative for the support!" What else should I write?

Me: I think it's fine how it is. You could add something like...

Husband: Something like "If you didn't come, you suck. I'll never talk to you again. Even ::insert outcast officer's name here:: came and we still had a good time.

Me: Yeah, on second thought just leave it how it is. Please press the update status button before you add anything else.

Hey David Blaine, It's Time For Bed

Husband: WTF?

Me: You ok?

Husband: My arm got stuck in my shirt.

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: For reals!

Me: How did you arm, for reals get stuck in your shirt?

Husband: It happens.

Tom-ay-to, Tom-a-to

CWMH - Tom-ay-to Tom-a-to
by: cwmh

Have It Your Way

Husband: I'll be right back.

Me: Where are you going?

Husband: To get a cookie. Did you want anything from upstairs?

Me: Can I have some water?

Husband: Did you want that in a cup?

Me: Ummm... no just in your hands will be fine. Haha! What the hell kind of question was that?

Husband: I asked if you already had a cup.

Me: Ooohhhhhhh. That makes sense.

Stinky Poo

Husband: Eww. Which one of the dogs just farted?

Me: I don't know, but you stink right now too.

Husband: I DO NOT! I didn't even sweat today at work.

Me: You stink.

Husband: No I don't.

Me: You do.

Husband: Maybe you're just confused and you're the one who stinks today. Ever think of that?

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: I can't stink. I refuse to stink.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

::Dog is whining::
Me: Roo, you already went out.

Husband: Yes he did.

Me: Did Daddy watch you go out?
::silence::

Husband: What?

Me: Haha. No, he didn't look to see if you did anything outside.
::Dog still whining::

Husband: It's f*ing cold outside.

Me: Well at least you have pants and a sweatshirt on.

Husband: No I didn't. I took them off.

Me: You did NOT take all your clothes off to let the dog outside.

Husband: Yes I did.

Me: You did NOT spontaneously undress when you let the dog out.

Husband: Yuh huh!

::dog still whining::
Me: Well Roo, you're going to have to wait for Daddy to take you out.

Husband: Daddy's watching football and Mommy's not doing anything.

Me: Mommy is writing a post on the blog you don't read because you're a jerk. And jerks have to take the dog out.

Husband: How come I always lose?

Me: Because jerks lose. Now take the dog out.

I Think I'll Just Wait To Air Dry

Husband: Soon after you left the house today it was like a monsoon out here.

Me: Yeah well I was walking in the street when that happened. It wasn't even drizzling so I walked out of the parking garage. But when I got to the Constellation Energy building the wind nearly knocked over the other six people I was walking with and then the sky opened up and the rain was unbelievable! We all walked into the same building and stood just looking at each other and asking 'What the hell just happened out there?' haha. I had to run my hand down my jeans to ring them out. They're still soaked. And the office is freezing.

Husband: Well why don't you just start tootin' in them and maybe they'll dry up.

Me: ... I literally hate you.