You're So Sensuous... Sen-su-ous Up

Husband: Can I have a beer shoobs?

Me: Why are you asking me?

Husband: Because I don't want to get up and get it.

My Mom Says I'm Funny

::supposed to be doing homework, but obviously on Facebook::

Husband: Who's this? Do I know Jenn Norman?

Me: No.

Husband: Well she liked my comment. At least she knows I'm funny.

Old Dog, No Tricks

Husband: Roo, Daddy needs a beer. Go!

::blank stare::
Me: Daddy must have forgotten what family he belongs in.

Husband: Yeah, a good for nothing dog family!

Watch Out For The Big Girl

Husband: Shoobs, I love you and you're pretty.

Me: Thanks, I love you too.

Husband: And you wear yoga pants... because you're lazy.

Me: No, I wear yoga pants because I'm fat.

Husband: No you're not. I wouldn't say that.

Me: Well, I'm "pregnant fat".

Husband: Yeah, you are that.

::silance::
Me: You're retarded.

I'm Down, You're Down

Husband: Shoobs, Monkey is my ... my... O... B. Yeah, my OB, my Original Buddy. I'm down with OBB... Original Buddy Boy.

It's All Fun & Games

::while walking the dogs for the 2nd time in the day::

Husband: Oh my God, this morning Monkey peed on something and it splashed back and got all over himself.

Me: Did you clean him up with wipes when you got back home?

Husband: No.

Me: WTF? No wonder the dog stinks! I'm going to get home one day and you're gonna start to tell me about how the baby shit all over and when I ask if you cleaned it up you're probably going to tell me no.

Husband: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Me: It's funny, but it won't be if it happens.