Wake Me Up When Movember Ends

::unintelligible growly noise::

Me: What?

Husband: It came out of nowhere. This mustache emits pheromones.

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: I meant... testosterone... shut up!

Twit Twat Tweet

::While watching Sunday Night Football::
Me: Yeah like that's ever going to happen.

Husband: What's that?

Me: That commercial said to get up-to-the-minute information from the sidelines follow Andrea Kramer on Twitter.

Husband: Yeah, who wants to follow that twat's tweets?

Agree To Disagree

::During a phone call::

Husband: Well I just wanted to call and say "hi" and "wow... you... are... amazing".

Me: Haha Thank you.

Husband: OK, I'll talk to you later.

Me: OK, bye.

Husband: Hey! If you need anything you know how to get ahold of me. My number is now and will probably always be... 9-1-1

Me: ... thanks... I'll keep that in mind.

Husband: Good. You should put that in the blog.

Me: Stop trying to dictate what goes in the blog.

Husband: Well you told me to try and help you remember things that should go in the blog because you can't always jot them down for later.

Me: Yes, things we agree on.

Husband: Well, we just agreed that would go in.

Me: No we didn't.

Husband: Yes we did. You may not remember. Now go put that in.

Be The Best You You Can Be

Husband: Put up the Al and Peggy Bundy pictures from Halloween.

Me: ::ignoring him::

Husband: Put the Bundy pictures on Facebook.

Me: ::ignoring him::

Husband: Now, please!

Me: ::huff:: Fine!

Husband: I like you. Not that attitude, but you. I also like your face.

Me: Do you like the face I'm making right now?

Husband: No, not really. Why are you making that face?

Me: Because I was busy doing something.

Husband: I'm doing something.

Me: Yes... annoying me.

Husband: Well you always say to be the best at what I do.

Ten Years Ago I Used to Listen To Rappers Flow

Husband: I also got a new beer Key had in the store. I hope its good.

Me: What kind is it?

Husband: It's called Original Pumpkin Ale. But who knows if that's even true. Maybe its the real first one made, maybe not. I mean, I'm a real OG too, but...

Me: Ok, Ice-T. You can stop now.

If You Don't Like This Blog...

::iTunes playing Redneck Yacht Club::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

::iTunes playing Callin' Baton Rouge::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

::iTunes playing I Got My Mind Set On You::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

Me: Are you going to do this for every song in the library?

Husband: Maybe.

Me: Seriously?

Husband: Well its going to be definitely if you ask me like that again.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

::While he's flipping through tv channels, in his most sarcastic voice possible::

Husband: Oh no, don't make me watch Jaws!

Me: Why?

Husband: Because I hate that movie.

Me: No you don't. You make me watch it all the time. Why are you such a liar today?

Husband: What else did I lie about today?

Me: I don't know.

Husband: Exactly! I only lie once a day.

Me: Seriously? Once day?

Husband: Ok, well, I guess that's a lie... so twice a day.

The Same, But Different

Husband: Shoobs you should read more.

Me: Huh? Read more? I'm reading right now. Well I was before you interrupted me.

Husband: Oh, I mean paint more.

Me: Did you really get reading and painting confused?

Husband: Only for a minute.

I'm Tellin' Y'All It's Sabotage

Husband: Well if I didn't look like my father before... I certainly do now with just this mustache.

Me: Oh my goodness. Wow. That is going to take some getting used to.

Husband: I'm probably only going to keep it for the next 3 days or so.

Me: Ok ::laughing to myself::

Husband: What?

Me: I woke up with a police officer today and now I have to go to bed with the Sabotage video.

Husband: Shut up.

It's Facial Hair, Not A Friend

Husband: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight ::kiss:: I love you.

Husband: I love you.

::Silence::

Husband: ::in a high pitched voice:: "I love you too." That was my mustache.

Me: Please don't ever let your mustache speak to me again, ok?

Love And Marriage

::After taking a survey for a research institute about being married::

Husband: Did you write anything in that last box about additional comments you wanted them to know about our marriage?

Me: No. Did you?

Husband: Yeah, I said that I wanted them to know had to take time out of my doing everything around here to take that survey since you never do anything.

Me: ...Thanks...