In Case You Haven't Heard

We have moved! We have our very own special URL now. Thank you loyal readers and friends for sticking with us. You can now keep up with us at our new location: http://convoswithmyhusband.com/ and also on Facebook We hope that you will continue to follow our shenanigans and laugh with us. Thanks!

Anniversary Special

This is a special edition of Conversations tonight. The hubs and I are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary. I know... this blog should have WAY more posts for 4 years of marriage. But with our schedules, this means that we saw each other 2 times today and literally spent less than 2 hours combined. ::sad face:: But we're a strong couple so this didn't get us too down. We just make the most of it.

Part 1

Husband: I got something for you.

Me: Yeah? Awe, flowers! They're purple, I love them. They're beautiful!

Husband: Like you.

Me: Thank you. And my card matches my flowers!

Husband: I know you like matching things.

Me: I do, indeed. Thank you.

Husband: And I got you some wine so I could get lucky later.

Me: Nice transition there.

Part 2

Husband: My Dad called to wish us a happy anniversary.

Me: Awe, that's sweet of him.

Husband: Yeah, I know. He said he felt bad because he had been planning on getting us something.

Me: Why?

Husband: I know. I told him "we don't even get each other anything. You don't have to get us anything either."

Me: Haha! It's true though. You got me flowers and I love flowers. I made you a kick-ass dinner because you love food.

Husband: Yeah, it was GOOD!

Me: That's what works for us.

Part 3

We Have Missed You, Too!

Many of you have spoken and your words did not fall on deaf ears. Trust us, we both have wanted to get this blog running again. But since Husband doesn't blog and the RubeCube takes up most of my time, it just took a back seat. But I'm happy to announce that we will be trying to get it in gear and keep the laughs coming. We appreciate your support and, let's be honest, it felt good that we were missed. But since the conversations never stop around here, we want to keep sharing them with you. So let's get this thing going with a special Labor Day post!

Stop Saying Words, Please

Husband: Jasmine is like, the hottest Disney princess. You know?

Me: Because she's exotic looking?

Husband: Yeah, I guess so. I mean, Snow White's got a stupid haircut. She's out.

Me: ::nodding::

Husband: Ariel's a red head so she's automatically hot. But she's got weird 80's hair.

Me: Well it looks so big and full because she's floating in the ocean. The water keeps it flowing.

Husband: Probably uses a lot of hairspray.

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: Bet she uses AQUANET!

Me: You're proud of that joke, aren't you?

Blame It On The Weather

Husband: Is that lightning?

Me: Yeah, heat lightning.

Husband: Wanna do it?

Me: Why, because there's lightning outside?

Husband: Hey, if you can't hang... just say so. OW! As soon as I said that, I hurt my hip!

Me: Karma strikes like lightning!

Vanity Schmanity

::Husband was 3 (over 8.5% ABV) beers down at this point::

Husband: Wow, Tap 42 is the place to BE! I love this place. I want to live here. I want to drink delicious beer here all the time. Even though it's really busy, I surprisingly don't mind. But really, there's a lot of people here. A lot of attractive people. I'm now, like the 3rd most attractive person here. Not fair!

I'm a Doctor Not a Pool Man!

Me: I have the hiccups.

Husband: Ok, here. ::starts tickling me::

Me: ::laughing/hiccupping::

Husband: Boo!

Me: I'm not sure how tickling me is supposed to be helpful.

Husband: Oh wait, you're right. That doesn't do anything.

Spell That One For Me?

Me: Are you going to want chicken enchiladas if I make them?

Husband: Yeah... Does it end in "allottas"? I want some.

Me: No, it doesn't. "Allottas" isn't a word, but I get the point. Good to know, thanks.

This Post is Brought to Us by the Letter H

Husband: Ruby don't touch that. That is where we put the trash. If you're a hoarder, you put it on the floor.

Me: "Lessons For The Organized Baby." She's going to be confused when she finally learns about Oscar the Grouch now.

Husband: Haha hell yeah!

That's When the Whores Start Showing Up

Me: I don't know what to watch on Netflix right now

Husband: How about "Hoarders", you hoarder?

Me: :: thinking::

Husband: Just so you know, I said "hoarDER" before... not "whore".  That last 'der' didn't really come out loud enough I think.

Me: Surprisingly, I already knew what you said. I was trying to pick my words unlike you. I am organized and thrifty. You, on the other hand, are a hoarder as we've already established.

Husband: When did we establish that?

Me: Well, this morning we discussed what to do with you piles and piles of magazines. And when we were moving to Texas we found you held onto bank statements as far back as 2002. And we also found your logs from driving school!

Husband: I was... proud of my accomplishments!

Me: Driving safe and courteously is pride enough.

Husband: Shut up, Shoobs.

Alert the Fashion Police

Husband: I know how you like those cowboy types.

Me: What?

Husband: You like cowboy types.

Me: Why do you think that?

Husband: Because you're wearing a shirt that looks like a table cloth.

Me: No I'm not. It's a checked pattern but not a table cloth. Are you insinuating I'm big like table?

Husband: I didn't say I didn't like it. I just meant that it looks like a table cloth which makes me think of a picnic which makes me think of food. And I like food. And you too!

Me: See... That was your chance to say "no hon, you're not huge like a table. I'm just talking out of my ass."

Cake-aholic

Husband: Did you see the cake Crystal made?

Me: Yup!

Husband: It looks so good I want to eat it!

Me: Justin... you'd eat a cake that looked like a dirty homeless man's shoe.

Husband: Hahaha! That's probably true.

Love is Kind

Me: I love you

Husband: I love you too!

Me: Even though you're mildly retarded sometimes.

Husband: And even though you're a little bitchy.

Me: Touché.

I Can Wipe My Own Ass

Me: Hey, I just updated my status about the new blog post. Don't forget to share it with your friends.

Husband: Ok, what should I write?

Me: I already write the blog... why don't you handle writing your own status updates.

Like Husband, Like Dog

Husband: Hey, when we get new Texas license plates I'm going to get one that says "Not gay". Like "don't judge me based upon my dogs".

Close Only Counts In Horseshoes & Hand Grenades

:: while finishing a bottle of wine ::

Husband: Shoobs, getting drunk on wine makes you smart. It's a fact.

Me: That is NOT what you read in your magazine the other day.

Husband: Yes it was!

Me: No it was not.

Husband: What did I say then?

Me: Right then you said "getting drunk on wine makes you smart." But what you read the other day was that drinking 8oz of red wine every evening can be healthy for you.

Husband: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's the same thing. Right?

It's Legit, You're Dumb

Me: I have a legitimate irrational fear... Wait, that wording is wrong. I legitimately have an irrational fear that when its dark out and I have to let the dogs outside to pee that when I turn the light on there's going to be a homeless person sleeping on our porch furniture.

Husband: That's not irrational. I have a fear that...

Me: See, this is one of those times that I really hate you. Don't poke fun of me and what I just said.

Husband: I'm not making fun of you. You're just dumb.

Me: Thanks.

A Horse is a Horse

Husband: Roo is a horse's ass, but he means well.

Me: What, is that his new nickname?

Husband: Haha! Yeah! Hey horse's ass... get over here!

Hush, No Talkie

Me: You're not even listening to me... I might have to punch you in the mouth.

Husband: What?!? Don't kick me in balls!

Me: I didn't even say that! Geez you don't listen. I don't even know why I use my voice to speak.

You're a Saint, I Forgot

Husband: Do you want to play the trumpet?

Me: No I don't.

Husband: You don't want to play the trumpet?

Me: No.

Husband: ::starts squeezing my boob and making trumpet noises to the tune of 'when the saints go marching in'::

Me: Stop.

Husband: ::continues::

Me: Stop it.

Husband: ::continues while I try to push him away::

Me: Seriously... stop.

Husband: ::playing the high notes on the other boob while I struggle to get away::

Me: Ow! Seriously stop now. You just made me hit my lip.

Husband: You're fine. Did i really hurt you?

Me: Yes, my lip split from when Ruby head butt me and now you just hit it with you wrist.

Husband: When did she do that?

Me: Like 2 days ago. It doesn't matter, every time you play, I get hurt.

Husband: You never want to have fun.

Me: Yup you're right, I never want to have fun or do anything. Why are we even still together?

Husband: I didn't say that.

Me: Yes you did, you said "you never want to have fun".

Husband: Well I didn't mean "never ever". ::displays his hand to be reprimanded::

Me: No, go away.

Husband: Hit me, go ahead.

Me: I don't want to hit you.

Husband: Yes you do.

Me: No i don't. Just stop it. :: dog grumbles :: Both of us in unison: That's right Monkey.

Husband: Monkey knows when you're being unreasonable.

Me: Come back here.

Husband: Why?

Me: Well now I want to hit you.

Good Hair = Good Life

Me: Did you just tell the dog he looked like Alexander Hamilton?

Husband: Yes.

Me: Why?

Husband: Because of his stately hair cut.

Me: ::laughing::God, you're an idiot.

Husband: Don't listen to her Roo. And don't don't worry, hair like that can take you places.

Be Proud, You Bullied a Dog

Husband: Shoobs look at this! I fuckin' got him!

Me: Don't be so proud of yourself that you've managed to half-nelson the dog. A 14 lb dog.

Husband: ::laughs hysterically:: You said "half-nelson"!

Snuffleupa-Who?

::Watching the video of Feist on Sesame Street::

Husband: She called them "monsters". So stupid.

Me: They ARE monsters.

Husband: No they're not.

Me: Yes they are.

Husband: No they're not, they're Muppets!

Me: He's not called "Cookie Muppet" you a-hole.

Husband: ::laughs hysterically::

If You're Not First, You're Last

Doctor: Nope, not dilated yet
Me: I knew it. Week 38... and nothing. I just had a feeling.

Husband: I'm very disappointed in your vagina right now.

Me: Thanks. Doctor: Oh my gosh, get out of here.

Work Baby, Work

Me: where are my trivets? I always keep them here.

Husband: I don't know. The last time I saw them, they were on the stove.

Me: yes, but they're not there now. Maybe they fell behind the stove like my good oven mitt.

Husband: Oh yeah, I forgot about that oven mitt.

Me: yeah, probably because you don't cook.

Husband: I DO SO cook

Me: yeah, eggs for yourself in the morning

Husband: I asked you if you wanted some eggs.

Me: yeah, 40 minutes after you cooked your own.

Husband: Not uh, I asked you right after I cooked mine

Me: No you didn't. You were sitting right there on the couch.

Husband: Well, you were feeding the baby in the bedroom and I thought you might go back to sleep

Me: Not uh. Stop trying to convince yourself it happened in a different way.

Husband: So get your oven mitt.

Me: What? Are you telling me to get the oven mitt that YOU could have gotten any day since the day YOU dropped behind the oven?

Husband: ...yeah...

Me: Oh I forgot I have so much time during my day now that I have a newborn to go dragging the oven out.

Husband: Seriously, you're so lazy.

English as a First Language

Husband: Two things... its a verb.

Me: What is?

Husband: What I'm doing.

Me: What?

Husband: ::silent laughing::

Me: What's a verb?

Husband: An action, duh!

Me: See, his is why I talk to myself instead of you.

First You Get The Jobs, Then You Get The Khakis, Then You Get The Chicks

:: flipping through channels ::

Husband: Uugggghhh

Me: We've never had that channel.

Husband: Well I thought maybe they'd give it to me today.

Me: Once I get a new job, we'll up the TV package.

Husband: Nope, once you get a new job, we're getting rid of the TV altogether.

Me: Why the heck would you do that? Why were you so pressed on getting a new giant TV?

Husband: Well, once we get the giant TV, we'll get a TV package.

Me: You have...

Husband: I've got it all figured out.

Me: No, you have the most insane, ass-backwards logic I've ever encountered

Siskel & Ebert, You're Not

Husband: What are you doing? Watching some gay movie?

Me: Yes, it's called The Life of Justin Tester

Husband: I hate you

Me: I know, it's mutual.

It's Science

Husband: Oh shit!

Me: What?

Husband: I just realized that I'm a genius!

Get It Gurl

Husband: Oh no I did-n't... turn on Haunted Honeymoon!

Kids Stuff

Me: This diaper bag is like Mary Poppins

Husband: Yup. Wait, what does that mean?

Me: ... ummm, like I keep pulling out a million things. It holds everything.

Husband: Oh, ok. Yeah, I've never seen it.

Me: Never saw what?

Husband: Mary Poppins.

Me: Seriously? How could you have never seen that movie?

Husband: I just haven't.

Me: But seriously, how is that possible.

Husband: I'm not a girl.

Me: That has nothing to do with it. I can't believe you've never seen that movie.

Husband: Believe it. I'm a man. I didn't watch stuff like that.

Me: Coming from the guy who belts out Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know".

Husband: Believe that!