Good Hair = Good Life

Me: Did you just tell the dog he looked like Alexander Hamilton?

Husband: Yes.

Me: Why?

Husband: Because of his stately hair cut.

Me: ::laughing::God, you're an idiot.

Husband: Don't listen to her Roo. And don't don't worry, hair like that can take you places.

Be Proud, You Bullied a Dog

Husband: Shoobs look at this! I fuckin' got him!

Me: Don't be so proud of yourself that you've managed to half-nelson the dog. A 14 lb dog.

Husband: ::laughs hysterically:: You said "half-nelson"!

Snuffleupa-Who?

::Watching the video of Feist on Sesame Street::

Husband: She called them "monsters". So stupid.

Me: They ARE monsters.

Husband: No they're not.

Me: Yes they are.

Husband: No they're not, they're Muppets!

Me: He's not called "Cookie Muppet" you a-hole.

Husband: ::laughs hysterically::

If You're Not First, You're Last

Doctor: Nope, not dilated yet
Me: I knew it. Week 38... and nothing. I just had a feeling.

Husband: I'm very disappointed in your vagina right now.

Me: Thanks. Doctor: Oh my gosh, get out of here.

Work Baby, Work

Me: where are my trivets? I always keep them here.

Husband: I don't know. The last time I saw them, they were on the stove.

Me: yes, but they're not there now. Maybe they fell behind the stove like my good oven mitt.

Husband: Oh yeah, I forgot about that oven mitt.

Me: yeah, probably because you don't cook.

Husband: I DO SO cook

Me: yeah, eggs for yourself in the morning

Husband: I asked you if you wanted some eggs.

Me: yeah, 40 minutes after you cooked your own.

Husband: Not uh, I asked you right after I cooked mine

Me: No you didn't. You were sitting right there on the couch.

Husband: Well, you were feeding the baby in the bedroom and I thought you might go back to sleep

Me: Not uh. Stop trying to convince yourself it happened in a different way.

Husband: So get your oven mitt.

Me: What? Are you telling me to get the oven mitt that YOU could have gotten any day since the day YOU dropped behind the oven?

Husband: ...yeah...

Me: Oh I forgot I have so much time during my day now that I have a newborn to go dragging the oven out.

Husband: Seriously, you're so lazy.

English as a First Language

Husband: Two things... its a verb.

Me: What is?

Husband: What I'm doing.

Me: What?

Husband: ::silent laughing::

Me: What's a verb?

Husband: An action, duh!

Me: See, his is why I talk to myself instead of you.