Ah, Blow It Out Your Old Wazoo

::Watching Ravens v Texans game::

Husband: Sounds like the fans have wazoos.

Me: ::contemplating what he meant:: What did you say?

Husband: It sounds like they have wazoos in the stands.

Me: ::Does he mean vuvuzela?:: What's a wazoo?

Husband: You don't know what the hell a wazoo is?

Me: No, I don't. What is a wazoo?

Husband: It's... wait...

Me: Bwahahaha!

Husband: A gazoo?

Me: Do you mean a kazoo?

Husband: Hahaha yeah, a kazoo! If you don't know what a kazoo is, you can get the hell out of here!

You Can Get A Good Look At A T-Bone...

::At the vet with the dog because of a strange bump::

Husband: Could that be a hernia?

Doctor: I don’t think so, there’s too much muscle here. It would show up somewhere else more appropriate.

Husband: Right.

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: What?

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: What? C’mon I’ve asked waaaaay stupider questions than that before.

Me: Today, even.

Husband: I’m not a vet, but I know a horse’s ass when I see one.

Wake Me Up When Movember Ends

::unintelligible growly noise::

Me: What?

Husband: It came out of nowhere. This mustache emits pheromones.

Me: ::blank stare::

Husband: I meant... testosterone... shut up!

Twit Twat Tweet

::While watching Sunday Night Football::
Me: Yeah like that's ever going to happen.

Husband: What's that?

Me: That commercial said to get up-to-the-minute information from the sidelines follow Andrea Kramer on Twitter.

Husband: Yeah, who wants to follow that twat's tweets?

Agree To Disagree

::During a phone call::

Husband: Well I just wanted to call and say "hi" and "wow... you... are... amazing".

Me: Haha Thank you.

Husband: OK, I'll talk to you later.

Me: OK, bye.

Husband: Hey! If you need anything you know how to get ahold of me. My number is now and will probably always be... 9-1-1

Me: ... thanks... I'll keep that in mind.

Husband: Good. You should put that in the blog.

Me: Stop trying to dictate what goes in the blog.

Husband: Well you told me to try and help you remember things that should go in the blog because you can't always jot them down for later.

Me: Yes, things we agree on.

Husband: Well, we just agreed that would go in.

Me: No we didn't.

Husband: Yes we did. You may not remember. Now go put that in.

Be The Best You You Can Be

Husband: Put up the Al and Peggy Bundy pictures from Halloween.

Me: ::ignoring him::

Husband: Put the Bundy pictures on Facebook.

Me: ::ignoring him::

Husband: Now, please!

Me: ::huff:: Fine!

Husband: I like you. Not that attitude, but you. I also like your face.

Me: Do you like the face I'm making right now?

Husband: No, not really. Why are you making that face?

Me: Because I was busy doing something.

Husband: I'm doing something.

Me: Yes... annoying me.

Husband: Well you always say to be the best at what I do.

Ten Years Ago I Used to Listen To Rappers Flow

Husband: I also got a new beer Key had in the store. I hope its good.

Me: What kind is it?

Husband: It's called Original Pumpkin Ale. But who knows if that's even true. Maybe its the real first one made, maybe not. I mean, I'm a real OG too, but...

Me: Ok, Ice-T. You can stop now.

If You Don't Like This Blog...

::iTunes playing Redneck Yacht Club::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

::iTunes playing Callin' Baton Rouge::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

::iTunes playing I Got My Mind Set On You::

Husband: If you don't like this song... you can get the hell out of here.

Me: Are you going to do this for every song in the library?

Husband: Maybe.

Me: Seriously?

Husband: Well its going to be definitely if you ask me like that again.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

::While he's flipping through tv channels, in his most sarcastic voice possible::

Husband: Oh no, don't make me watch Jaws!

Me: Why?

Husband: Because I hate that movie.

Me: No you don't. You make me watch it all the time. Why are you such a liar today?

Husband: What else did I lie about today?

Me: I don't know.

Husband: Exactly! I only lie once a day.

Me: Seriously? Once day?

Husband: Ok, well, I guess that's a lie... so twice a day.

The Same, But Different

Husband: Shoobs you should read more.

Me: Huh? Read more? I'm reading right now. Well I was before you interrupted me.

Husband: Oh, I mean paint more.

Me: Did you really get reading and painting confused?

Husband: Only for a minute.

I'm Tellin' Y'All It's Sabotage

Husband: Well if I didn't look like my father before... I certainly do now with just this mustache.

Me: Oh my goodness. Wow. That is going to take some getting used to.

Husband: I'm probably only going to keep it for the next 3 days or so.

Me: Ok ::laughing to myself::

Husband: What?

Me: I woke up with a police officer today and now I have to go to bed with the Sabotage video.

Husband: Shut up.

It's Facial Hair, Not A Friend

Husband: Goodnight.

Me: Goodnight ::kiss:: I love you.

Husband: I love you.

::Silence::

Husband: ::in a high pitched voice:: "I love you too." That was my mustache.

Me: Please don't ever let your mustache speak to me again, ok?

Love And Marriage

::After taking a survey for a research institute about being married::

Husband: Did you write anything in that last box about additional comments you wanted them to know about our marriage?

Me: No. Did you?

Husband: Yeah, I said that I wanted them to know had to take time out of my doing everything around here to take that survey since you never do anything.

Me: ...Thanks...

At A Wedding And Love Is In The Air

::During the wedding toast::

Husband: And they forgot that we toast God

Me: ::not sure where this is about to go::

Husband: This is the blood of Christ... and it IS delicious!

Mike: That guy must have been drunk like 24/7!

Dress To Impress

Husband: I wasn't going to say anything because you're the mother of the bride, but you're boobs look great in that dress.

There's A Time & Place

Husband: Why is Crystal touching her boobs?

Me: She has to pump milk for the baby and so she's at capacity and she's sore.

Husband: Seriously?

Crystal: Yeah, they're like rocks right now.

Husband: Can I feel?

Everyone: NO!

Judge By The Company You Keep

Husband: We're at the best table.

Me: I'd say so.

Husband: No one at this table is a loser and we're the closest table to the bar!

Let Me Tell You About You

Me: I don't want to go to work today.

Husband: You never want to go to work because you're lazy.

Me: Excuse me?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Did you just call me lazy?

Husband: What?

Me: Wow, you're not even looking for a way to dig out of that one.

Husband: You're not lazy.

Me: Yeah, I know. Thanks, jerk.

You're Allowed To Buy Me Things

Husband: If you're shopping online today, could you get this bike for me?

Me: IF I'm shopping online today?

Husband: It's only $509

Me: Only? Nice.

Husband: Well I could have asked you to buy the one that's over $1000.

Me: How considerate of you, dear.

Cheeseburger And French Cries, Please

Husband: So I wanted a sandwich from Wawa, but it was closed. All I wanted was a Wawa sub and I couldn't get one. Come home and make me a sandwich.

Me: I'm a work. I can't just come home to make you some food. You're a grown man...

Husband: There's a box in the door. Did you order anything?

Me: I don't think so.

Husband: I'm gonna open it.

Me: Not unless I'm sleep ordering stuff, if I did. Don't go opening it in case I did order something good or its for you.

Husband: I don't get to do anything I want!

Me: Excuse me?

Husband: I couldn't get a sub and now I can't open this box either. I'm gonna open it.

Me: That's a federal crime, Mr. Officer. Maybe your background investigator would like to hear about that.

Husband: You hate me.

Me: I might... if you open that package.

Husband: HA! It's for me anyway. Yeah, its my package!

Me: What is it?

Husband: ... a box...

Me: Yes, what's in the box?

Husband: Another... box.

Me: Huh?

Husband: Oh, its to send back that Verizon box. Damn! I don't want to do that either!

Row Row Row Your Boat

Husband: Hey did you check that lottery ticket I bought on Thursday?

Me: Nope.

Husband: Well how are we going to know if we won?

Me: Chances are good that we didn't.

Husband: If we DID win the lottery, I'm going on a cruise with you... and... T Pain.

Me: Cool.

There Are Thirsty Kids In India

Husband: You better finish your beer. Testers are winners and we finish our beers.

Me: You should go and shut up.

Husband: I'm gonna put this pillow case over your head and strangle you.

Me: Well, if you did that I wouldn't be able to finish this beer any faster, now would I?

Husband: I guess you're right.

Naked Time!

::While watching Nickelback This Afternoon video::

Husband: You know, I've thought of a lot of things I'd like to do naked, but riding a bike is NOT one of them.

C'mon Rude Boy

Husband: I just said ::input Facebook response here:: to her.

Me: She'll think you were being funny, but you're really saying that you don't care. That was rude, don't be a dick.

Husband: I'm not being a dick, I'm being facetious. If I was being a dick I'd say "hey shut your stupid pie hole."

A Festival of Nuts

Husband: Oooohhh I want candied almonds!

Me: Me too! The girl selling them looks like Amber.

Husband: Oh yeah? I wasn't looking at her face. I was looking at her, uhhh, nuts